im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
