Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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