Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
