Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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