i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
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Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
