apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
