i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
