i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
