it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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