if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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