everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
