You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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