The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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