I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
