You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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