john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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