fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
