hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
