I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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