i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
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Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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