I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
