if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
