he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
