Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
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Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize