pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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