i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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