You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
