get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
