what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
