So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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