Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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