I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
