dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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