I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
