I wish I only lived at night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
