The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
