The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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