Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
