I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
