She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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