i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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