smell my finger.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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