You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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