I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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