I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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