i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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