If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
