We named our party play list daddy issues
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
