Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
