SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
