just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He? As in you personified your dick?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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