I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
