she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
