No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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