gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
