I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Randomize
