So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
